Mommy's Moment: What Could Have Been

Sigh.

A wall of toys stood before me. A handful of blue tokens were tightly gripped in my little hand. Weeks of tutoring at Sylvan Learning Center and finally I could cash in on my hard work. The Muppet toy caught my eye. But was it the right purchase? A pack of Kool-Aid straws, for some odd reason, also caught my eye. Trying to be reasonable and feeling pressured, I went against my gut, and cashed in my blue tokens for none other than, Kool-Aid straws.

I remember my mom asking me, "are you sure that's what you want?"

It wasn't. But I felt pressured. Pressured to buy "just the right thing." And though I knew I'd enjoy the Muppet game more, I cracked and made a purchase I regretted. Obviously, because here I sit, 30 years old, still remembering that moment.

Flashforward 22 years.

Sigh.

I just returned from Pier 1. I love Pier 1. It was my store of choice before the tightening of the spending due to the arrival of children.

A $10 off of $10 coupon sent me and the three kids on an evening errand to this previous paradise. I can't pass up 10 free dollars, especially not now when the money is extra tight. But with the excitement, comes the pressure.

It sends my mind whirling.

Who do I buy for? What do I buy? What can I buy that hits as close to $10 as possible? Pier 1 makes it really hard to spend exactly $10. Their prices are $9.97, $8.78...I know your scheme Pier 1. And I'm not happy.

The kids, hoping to stumble upon a special toy, eagerly enter Pier 1 Paradise.

"They don't have toys," I say, much relieved.

But, nonetheless, they add to the pressure. Not only am I on search for "the perfect find" but I'm also under time constraint. How long do I have before a child knocks something over, screams, or possibly falls out of the stroller?

It's not long until Grant says, "can we please go home?" or Hannah knocks a nick nack off the shelf, or Kate leans a little too far forward, almost tipping out. Okay, there is a seat belt but in the rush of getting in and out I did not take the time to fasten her in. I know, bad mother. But she never fell out, for the record.

So I start to sweat. I hit up the jewelry (did you know Pier 1 has jewelry now?). I spot a necklace that I could get a sister for Christmas. Some cute earrings for Mom perhaps. $7 each. Dilemma. I've got to add $3 to my total. To the kids excitement, and to my astonishment, toys junk, that should cost NO MORE than $1 sit overly priced right next to the jewerly. In a rush decision I tell them they MAY be able to pick one toy out. Tell your kids MAYBE and to them it means YES. In the midst of their excitement I return the necklace and thus, turn my MAYBE into a NO. Bad mistake. Suddenly my $10 has turned into THEIR $10 and they immediately begin to whine about what THEY want.

Hoping they'll forget what they just saw, we take yet another walk around the store. Grant still whining he's ready to go home, Hannah pleading her case about how she wants something. And Kate, well, she too has discovered if she can reach a little farther out of her stroller she too can pick something out.

To make a long story shorter, my mind was troubled. I felt pressure. Pressure to buy just the right thing. Pressure not to spend beyond the $10. Pressure to get out of the store as fast as possible.

It was Slyvan Learning Center all over again (minus the kids).

And just like 22 years ago, I began to crack.

I spotted a nice hand soap and hand lotion set. It didn't fit in any of my gift slots. It was just something "nice" I could put in my kitchen. I didn't WANT it or really NEED it.

It was $9.98.

2 measley cents away from $10.

But, like I said, I was cracking. My thought process was shot. I returned to the overly priced toys junk. We'll grab something for $1. Good luck. After several negotiations with the kids we somehow ended up with a butterfly net contraption for $2.48 for them to share.

My mind frazzled. Ready to leave. We checked out. We paid $2.74. I could have done so much better. But, my mind no longer was willing to cooperate. We loaded up in the car. I took a deep breath. I sat with a buttefly net hitting my head and a handwash/lotion set sitting next to me. No gift crossed off the list. No immediate need met. And spending $2.74 I would not have spent if I had just not even gone to the store.

It was Sylvan all over again. Not getting what I wanted. Making a decision I would regret. Buying something out of pressure.

The ride home brought clarity to my thoughts as I realized what I should have done that would have left me with only paying cents and with an item more likely to be used or given as a gift.

But,

What's done is done.

Kool-aid straws, hand soap, and a butterfly net...all the products of my shopping pressure.

A Muppet toy and a nice Christmas gift, a fading reminder of what could have been.