Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Mommy's Moment: Hard

No one told me motherhood was hard.

H.A.R.D.

Or maybe they did, I was just too starry eyed to focus in.

But, it is.

And, while that shouldn't be a surprise, it is.

I'm now almost six years into this and really, it just gets harder.

No one told me the amount of selflessness it requires. Or, let me put it this way, the amount of selfishness it exposes.


And I look in awe at those moms with many kids and think wow, she must be farther down the road in this sanctification process because I know, I KNOW, that each kid you add requires more of yourself to give away.

Of course, my thinking is faulty. I know many a gracious mommies/women who have fewer kids who are quite selfless but I know with each kid we've added I've become more and more frustrated with myself.

Why?

Because I've seen my sin. I've seen my little "fits" I throw in my heart when I have to clean up one more mess, wipe one more bottom, mediate another fight, fix one more head of hair, pour another glass of juice...

the list really goes on and on...and...

it often results in harsh words spoken to my children and a desire to retreat to something where I can just get away...to be by myself and do what I WANT and ignore the fact that I have three needy little people dependent on me for almost everything.

Motherhood is humbling.

Because when those harsh words have come out of my mouth, I know that I will have to seek forgiveness from MY FIVE YEAR OLD or FOUR YEAR OLD.

Ouch.

We memorized early on that "a gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger." Sorry, I can't remember the "address" from Scripture.

I would be a hypocrite if I reminded them of that and yet went on without reminding myself of that. And the best way to do that is model repentance for them. And I'll be honest, a lot of times I don't want to do it because, well, it's humbling. And when I fight it, most likely my little Hannah will be the first one to tell me I need to tell her I'm sorry.

Humbling.

The past year I've felt pretty helpless as this motherhood thing has become bigger than I thought. It's required more than I'm able to give. I've found myself at a loss. All those grand ideas I had prekids or earlier on in this journey have pretty much failed me. Or, I've failed in them. There are some great and grandiose ideas out there, many biblical, in how to raise your children. It's just, a lot of times they leave out a big part of it, the sinful mother (father).

And that's where I'm thankful for the gospel.

Have you ever watched "So You Think You Can Dance?" I know, not the most noteworthy show, but I watch it occassionally. And there's this one dance that sticks in my mind so vividly. A girl and a guy were dancing. He stood on the opposite side of the stage and she, with all power and force, sprints, SPRINTS, toward him and basically, without hesitation, catapults her body and clings onto him. Here's a link for anyone interested. That part just gives me chills.

Dance

And it's popped in my head recently as I ponder Christ and the gospel. Should we not desperately and without inhibition throw ourselves onto Christ who alone saves and alone enables us to do good works? Should we not cling so desperately to Him?

And, praise the Lord that in this motherhood journey, I have Christ. I have His grace, His mercy, His patience, His love, His self control. I have His forgiveness. I have Him.

And so yeah, motherhood is hard. But that's good. It's good because it's another reminder of my desperate need to run with all power and force and catapult myself onto Christ.

I can't do it.

But He can. He did. And He is. And He will.



2 comments:

Bethany said...

That was very insightful and encouraging. Thanks for writing it!

Mary said...

Great post, you made me tear up there for a minute! It sure is hard. So glad God is bigger!